Curiosity
The key to asking good questions
I believe that curiosity is the key to asking questions and quality listening.
When you are curious, you are in the space between what you used to know and what you are about to learn. You have the desire to learn something new and to do that you are willing to give up what you might have believed before. If you can hold your own beliefs and ideas very lightly, curiosity becomes a whole lot easier.
Why we need curiosity in relationships.
Curiosity communicates that you care about the person you are talking with. I think of curiosity as a core skill to practice ‘advanced active listening’ because it helps you to ask those really good questions.
Being and staying curious invites us to have humility and compassion. It is not aggressive curiosity that leads to a stream of questions- that is called an interrogation!
The best questions can come to your mind when you are investigating and exploring what you have not discovered yet.
“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few”
We often think we understand what someone means but we may not understand it in the way that the person intended. We can guess, but we can’t know for sure.
Before you start… Set the stage to listen in a different way - framing your intention at the start of a conversation to help people understand that you are open to listen and that they can talk freely. A safe environment to be open and honest. That means being humble, maybe it also involves overcoming the formality of organisational relationships; you might be the boss, parent, client. Just think about the expectations that are bound into the relationship and help move to a relationship of respectful interdependence. Are you relying on them? Depending on their actions? So show that humility.
You might have your own intentions, but first find out what their intentions are for the conversation. “What would you like to get out of our conversation today? What is on your mind?”
Be very present, keep your thoughts and attention in the space between you. Presume that there is more that they have to say than the words they are using.
Acknowledge and validate emotions. If there is emotion present, notice it and acknowledge it first. Do not move on past this step if the emotion is intense. "I notice that you might be frustrated, is that true?" Don’t go to logic, if they are feeling intense anger, they can’t even process logic until that emotions calms down. Don’t discount your own emotion, notice what triggers your emotion too.
Get to the core of what you both want to achieve with the conversation. Ask open ended questions starting with "How, What and When" be careful when asking ‘Why’ – they don't need to justify their ideas.
Then shut up. Let them talk. Hold silence, it is gets awkward ask, "is there more?...what else? Tell me more?". Here comes the opportunity to hear their solutions to a problem or creative ideas.
So get listening, get curious and ask those open questions and I hope you see better collaborations, deeper trust and stronger human relationships.
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