Hold up the mirror with a strong arm
Being able to notice and shine a light on the blind spots someone might have is value to someone who is looking for just those insights.
Is that feedback welcome? Are they open to hearing it? Why do you want to give that feedback?
That person may be unable to sense or act upon that which is so clear to you. You have a gift, but to give it you may need to hold up a mirror. And if you do, hold that mirror; do it with a strong arm, unquavering, with courage and confidence.
So often that moment of holding up the mirror results in it falling on deaf ears or being taken as criticism.
Whether you are communication professional, a coach, a teacher, a boss, an employee, a consultant, an advisor, a parent… we can all think of moments when we help people to become aware of something they may not realise about their words or actions.
I had a great conversation yesterday about the skills communication professional need to be not just good at their job, but great at their job.
I believe that the ability to hold up the mirror to those we support is essential but also one of those skills that requires you to have full confidence in the follow through. You need to hold up that mirror with full confidence and conviction.
Self doubt has sabotaged many a mirror holder.
When we have doubts or limiting beliefs about ourselves they can creep in like a poison, polluting the message we intent to send.
Anyone in a profession where we coaching others will recognise this. It goes beyond providing advice, guidance and support.
Coaches "hold up a mirror so we can see our blind spots and they hold us accountable for working through our sore spots" - Adam Grant
Here are some of my thoughts about how to hold that mirror like you mean it!
Checking in first is essential to make sure that you have a shared understanding of intention, but also that they see it as your role to hold up the mirror, otherwise it will feel like criticism. The mirror should come from a genuine caring relationship but also be clear that you won’t just say nice stuff you don’t mean. You are there to challenge directly with care.
When you hold up a mirror, see the brilliance in someone first... they probably think they are okay at something that everyone sees as their super-power... so tell them that.
Connect and calibrate on what the purpose and intention is, what is the shared goal you have that provides the context for the insight you provide.
Replay their words back to them things that give you an insight into something you didn't know... ask them to elaborate.
Tell them how you heard something they said, was that what they intended?
Listen well to their response and ask good questions.
Look at behaviours- actions you can see but also pick up on perceptions, attitudes and beliefs.
Help them to remember what they really want and need.
Spend time in joint problem-solving- how can you help them to get to where they want to be, pin-point some strategies and actions.
Thank them and ask if you can hold up the mirror again in the future.
Hold that mirror with a strong arm- Hold it with courage.
When you step away, take care of yourself. Take away some reflections and think about how you can do it even better next time. Feel good… You did a great job, you are doing the thing that is right and hard- well done, you rock and those who realise that will look in awe at you! The others might need some time!
Read:
Radical Candor by Kim Scott
Think Again by Adam Grant
The advice trap by Michael Bungay-Stanier
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